Category Archives: Question

Is it normal to like BDSM?

A lot of people who are into BDSM are struggling with this question. “Am I completely insane to enjoy kinky play, am I the only one, or is it normal to like BDSM?” I get a lot of email from people asking for reassurance, because sometimes it can feel as if you’re a freak. The world can feel like a lonely place when you’re alone with your secret.

roleplayThe thing is, a lot of people enjoy some light kink. Many partners play with bondage, enjoy the sensation of nails going down their back, playfully bite or restrain each other or do some role playing. This is something to be encouraged actually, putting some effort and creativity into your sex life and having some sexy adventures can be a bonding experience. Heh, pun not intended. There’s nothing at all abnormal about playing around with sex. But SM-ers often go a bit further than that, sometimes a whole lot further than that. So, statistically, if you’re really into BDSM, you’re not normal.

Then again, normal is of very little value. Kinksters are a big group of people and the worldwide community is ha-huuuuuge, so your chances of finding someone into your particular flavour are quite good. Seriously, you think of it, there’s people into it. Unless you’re really into shitting on dead babies or something then you’re screwed, but other than that, there’s a whole kinky world out there to be explored.

And for what it’s worth: you might not be normal, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Research has shown time and time again that kinky people are fine. Well, we’re as messed up as the rest of the world, but we do have more sex!

Can you put me in contact with..?

Journalists contact me on a very regular basis, and I’m not at all unwilling to help them out. I’ve been interviewed for newspapers, magazines, I’ve been on television, I really don’t mind occasionally donating some of my time to help spread correct information about sexuality. But there’s one question I’d like to answer once and for all:

“I’m a media person working on a new tv show or writing an article. Can you put me in contact with sex workers/kinky people/poly people/trans people?”

And the answer is “no”.

Look I understand how your field works. It’s fast, you have to get a story out, and you don’t have time to completely immerse yourself in this new subculture. But what you have to understand is that we’ve seen this hundreds of times before. We know you don’t mean anyone any harm, we know you want to ‘give the whole story’, we know you think we should be thrilled to talk to you. But we know exactly the type of product you’ll produce, and we’re not.

I’m not saying you’re a bad person or a bad journalist. Just understand we’re not so enthusiastic.

In your research you will certainly come across organisations run by the people you want to talk about. Sex workers, kinky people, non-monogamous folk, transgender people, they’re organised. These organisations often have a list of people who are available for interviews, or at least know people who are generally open to that sort of thing. Some even have PR-teams.

I’m not going to bother my friends and social circle every other week for yet another journalist.

Do your research, and when you have you’ll know exactly who to contact.

And to the person who asked this:

“But Marijke, with those organisations I’m going to get the same people again, the people who want to talk to the media. But we’re looking for people who wouldn’t normally give their story, maybe someone who trusts you, perhaps a sex worker with bad experiences, or one of your clients?”

Yeah, you? Get out of journalism. You’re a bad person and we don’t like you.