Free Sex


The idea that sex is something a woman gives to a man, and a man takes from a woman, is of course very problematic. But when we’re talking about sex work it is often suggested that a sex worker does what a non-sex worker does for free, and I could not disagree more. Some even call non-sex workers ‘amateurs’ and say they can’t understand why you’d have sex for free if you can get paid for it. I find it offensive. Sex work is not the paid version of sex.

There is a reason it’s called sex work: you are providing a service, a sexual experience, it’s about them and not you. When you have sex it’s about both of your sexual needs and desires, when you do sex work it’s primarily theirs. That doesn’t mean you can’t have great sex when you work, but the primary focus is on their desires.

I see many similarities between sex work and therapy. Both are very intimate on a psychological level, but constrained by time and place. When I’m with a patient I open my head and heart to them, I focus my empathy on them and let them in. Sex workers do the same thing, create an emotional connection, get into their head and their feelings. I often feel genuine affection for my patients, and sex workers for their clients. Both are a paid relationship, and are temporary. I wouldn’t listen to them for 45 minutes if I didn’t get paid to do it, a sex worker would not meet a client for a session if there was no money involved. Both are one-sided interactions: my therapeutic relationship is not about me and my emotional needs. It’s about them and what I can provide for them. That does not mean I don’t enjoy our contact, I often do, and I don’t cross any boundaries I don’t feel comfortable with. In sex work it’s the same, it’s not about you, it’s about them, although you can enjoy being with your client and always protect your boundaries, the interaction is about them. It’s a form of paid intimacy, and I love that I’m being paid to share something like that with others :).

But a good friend is not an amateur therapist. Listening to a loved one is not the ‘free’ version of what I do for a living, when I patiently support a friend through a rough patch I’m not ‘giving it away for free’.

Sex work, like therapy work, is an actual job with skills and responsibilities, not just a paid version of what everyone else gives away for free.

Sex work is work.

3 thoughts on “Free Sex

  1. Geirr

    Well spoken. Sex work is work just like any other job. The whole concept of a job is that someone has a skillset that that person rents out to a paying customer, namely the employer. The employer then makes use of the skillset of his employee to better himself. Monetarily, emotionally or otherwise, that does not matter.

    Why should it be any different for sex work? Why should that be illegal while it is perfectly acceptable to risk your health and life expectancy by working in shift rotations, working in hazardous surroundings, with dangerous chemicals and risk of death by industrial accidents?

    There are hundreds of jobs that are a lot worse for you than prostitution. However, we allow people to perform those jobs if they are willing to perform them. Why not so with sex work? Who are we to tell someone they are not allowed to use their skills in sex to satisfy a need of their customer (the employer) for money? It really is no different from a carpenter using his skills to craft a cabinet for a customer. Or a doctor performing surgery. Or fill in any other job you like.

  2. Jan

    On the woman giving sex being problematic.
    On average the male sex-drive is higher(not fully true look at a justin bieber or beatles concert) and less discriminatory(this is true).
    So up to a point it is true that the woman is giving it away for free(on average).
    Since the guy wants it more(on average).

    Also the market for males who like to be straight or even gay sex workers is far smaller which makes my point clear.

    I would like to but I am not pretty enough and I believe I am above average in looks.(like a 7 or an 8)

    It should not be like this but it is.

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